I’ve been on a mental block. It feels like I’m floating through the day, unattached to real life but rooted so deep in these waves of emotion I could not control.
Lately, all I have been seeing are those dark brown eyes. That big smile you gave me that first time I met you. I remember it so vividly that it feels like I’m walking on needles now that you’ve completely taken yourself out of my life.
I still remember that very first time we spent the night. The rain was pouring. You thanked me for being present, and you turned away.
“It gets lonely,” you said. “Don’t you get lonely?”
I looked at you and thought, how can it get lonely?
I know now.
It is lonely.
It feels incredibly lonely when I go through my day and remember you’ve walked away. It feels incredibly lonely, when I try to fill that void of not seeing you. I took whatever you can give, you gave away whatever you didn’t need. It feels incredibly lonely when I remember those times you were so near but it felt like I was watching you from a distance. I could hold you but I can’t have you, I could take you in but I can’t keep you.
It feels incredibly lonely, watching the dust settle and realizing that it was everything to me and it was nothing at all to you.
You felt nothing.
I always remind myself nowadays that you felt nothing in my efforts to let this go. It feels like scratching my veins with a blade and hoping not to bleed.
I don’t hate you. I never will. You were honest, I was hopeful. Everyone told me that this was a case of red flags allover and I picked them all up and tossed it to one side. Maybe you were all in my head, maybe you were never meant to be in my life. Maybe in some odd glitch in the universe, our paths crossed at one point in error. Just my luck.
Everyone have told me I’ll go through phases of emotions.
I didn’t anticipate to feel it all at the same time. One fraction I’m fine, ready, willing to face this new chapter in my life. Another fraction I am awake in the middle of the night, crying senseless. One part of my day I put a smile on my face and hope to fake it til I make it. Most parts now are filled with a riveting sense of missing you.
It does get lonely.