I prayed last night for strength to let go, and the courage to accept what is there and what is not. My heart has been heavy, my mind too.
I woke up with a sense of peace. It felt almost unreal because I have been anticipating to see myself in a grieving mess for at least a couple more weeks; and my emotions for the last couple of days have been more unpredictable than ever. But that peace remained constant through out the day, and not only that– a sense of forgiveness seemed to wash my worries away and reassured me that this is where I need to be.
Now, I did have doubts. Was this an illusion? A defense mechanism? Denial? I’ve just gotten my heart broken over the weekend, how am I okay right now? But to be completely honest, I won’t indulge my overthinking mind with these questions. Like most of the emotions I’ve been going through with, this has been the best feeling I’ve had so far and I’m allowing this tranquility to take over me.
I have acknowledged a lot of things. Things I was afraid to own up to. Things that hurt. I acknowledge I made decisions I knew will cause me pain. Maybe I’ve been playing damsel in distress for so long that I did not see how I choose to act was even more powerful than my circumstances. Past relationships proved that I would always choose to self-sabotage because I believed so immensely that if I give my all then I can change a person. I chose to play the victim card over and over that being heartbroken felt so natural to me.
How many relationships do I have to go through to realize that I cannot change a person? Love starts with deciding you’d be good to yourself first. Love does not mean you have to run on empty just to ride a path that was not yours to own.
For the first time, I didn’t have any anger towards what transpired. There is loneliness, there is still a lot of anxiety, I might have spiraled on a bit of depression where I literally cannot do anything; but no anger.
Instead, I am realizing that this happened to me so I can get back to my strength and my courage, at the end of the day, what I think of myself will either be detrimental or beneficial to my being. There is no in between. External relationships live and die, but you’ll always have yourself.
People might say this phase is that of romanticizing what did not work; but I truly believe we meet people for a reason. They come to our lives for a purpose.
I met him at the time of my life I didn’t do much for myself. He was fire, and I was air. He made me realize that there’s so much life when you’re passionate about something. He made me want to be independent, made me want to go after my goals. I will never discredit him for this because truly, meeting him pushed me to even go back to school, get it together.
Not to say that he was the one and what we had was perfect because it certainly wasn’t. It was so flawed you already know it will end. It definitely felt like lightning– one glimpse of magnificence then it’s pitch black. It forced me to meet myself at my darkest, it taught me the magnitude of my thoughts. I still find myself going back and forth, rerunning memories to get my fix. I doubted my ability to let go and move on. I was so deep in sadness that I really did not believe I’ll feel even a little better.
But the universe truly aligns you to what is meant for you to keep, what is meant for you to learn. Trust the process, you have your own timing. People say it will take a long time to heal but I can genuinely feel that my healing is starting right away, that very moment I’ve forgiven myself and acknowledged how blessed I am to have gone through an opportunity of growth. The pain still arises, but I know it’s just a way of the universe to remind me of my strength.
I am hurting but I now understand how I needed this awakening.
He’ll never see this but he was a catalyst so I can heal the parts of me that were already broken, and change my life, for that I am grateful.